A Bad Month

So, July isn’t going so well. I know it’s still kinda early in the month, but I don’t see any way for things to get better any time soon.

I’m already super broke for the month, and some bills are going to be coming up really soon. I have also recently found that most everything I have is worth…well, basically nothing, so I don’t really have anything to sell.

I’m really not sure what to do right now besides pushing myself to actually do the whole streaming thing. I mean, I know it was a massive failure last time, but I can’t find any other option right now.

I guess it’s time to start testing out my equipment and see how it holds up and all that. It’s mostly the same from before, but there are a few changes that have been made. If nothing else, it will give me something to do for a few days.

Honestly, I don’t really expect much to come of this, but I have to at least try. I really don’t want to fall super far behind on my bills. I may not have a choice in that, but if I don’t try I know things won’t get better.



Well…we’re in an odd spot now, aren’t we? There was finally a bit of a reckoning in the streaming world the other day. Several streamers are now banned from Twitch. I tried to tell people that some of these guys were no good, but no one listened.

And now Mixer is shutting down on top of that. I had actually considered trying to start streaming again on my old account, but apparently most Mixer streamers are heading to/back to Twitch.

There’s an article on Kotaku that’s mostly “Wah wah my stream.” I want to tell them all to fuck off and they should be thankful that they were successful at all. As you know, I very much was not. Not even kinda. Not even vaguely in the area. Hell, I lost money on the whole thing.

I mean…streaming was basically my dream job when I was a kid. Play games for a living? Hell yeah! But then, when the technology allowed it, no one cared about little ol’ me. Not surprising, really, when even my family didn’t care about me at all.

So, where do I go from here? I’m not sure. I’m still thinking about doing some stuff on YouTube, but I don’t know if I want to put all that effort in again just for no one to watch. I guess I will think on it more.

For now…I need to go hide or something.


I’ve Been Quiet.

It’s been a bit since I last posted, but really there hasn’t been much going on. I’ve just been playing games and trying to keep the house up. I don’t even remember the last time I had a real conversation. It’s been a while.

I’m still thinking about making some game videos, but I am still unsure of what to start with. Partially, I am waiting for the next Minecraft update, which should be soon. Of course, I could start with something else, and maybe I will. I don’t really have high hopes that things will be different, but it’s possible.

The depression has been extra bad the past week or so. I keep hoping it will let up, but it doesn’t seem to want to. The anti-depressant that I am on doesn’t seem to be doing much, but I may not have been on it long enough yet, since those take like two months to be effective.

I guess I don’t have a whole lot else to say right now. Maybe I will think of something interesting later, but who knows.


Two Weeks Later

Yes, it’s been a couple weeks. Guess I’m stalling on most everything. On the bright side, I’ve been kinda busy the past week, so I haven’t been quite as annoyed at everything as usual.

I’m flat broke, but I get paid Wednesday, so the bills aren’t really in danger. I’ve been on the edge of financial disaster so long and I am really tired of it.

In gaming news, I was thinking about switching gears before I even started and maybe just doing a few regular videos instead of just starting out with streams. Not sure it would be better, but it might be less disappointing for me.

I don’t really have anything else, but I thought that I should probably update, since it’s been a while. Maybe more will come later in the week.


Consider Me Unsurprised

So, I found out that I got lied to yet again. I’m not sure why this keeps happening. If you’re not going to do whatever, or don’t want to, just fucking say so. If you have no intention of doing what you offer, just keep your fucking mouth shut. This isn’t that hard, really.

But no, apparently it’s better to say you will and then just not? Honestly, I wasn’t really expecting anything, but still. If there’s one theme that’s followed me through my life it’s definitely broken promises. It seems like they’re everywhere, all the time, and the one who suffers for it is me, of course. I’m kinda tired of it.

In other news, I think I have narrowed down what I might stream first. I’m thinking maybe Fallout 4 or Minecraft, though that might be Bedrock instead of Java, which I don’t have much experience with. I also thought about getting a new Epic Games account and going with Dauntless, though I’m not super good at that. I may check out a couple other games and see if they would work. And I realized that probably all my games on GoG would probably be fine.


It’s May Now.

Is that good or bad? I can’t even tell anymore. I assume it will be just one more month of loneliness. Still not hearing from the kids at all. I did actually get some game time in with my one friend, but that’s been almost a week ago, and he doesn’t seem to eager to do it again right now.

I wish I had more people to game with, but finding people is hard at the best of times, even for normal people. It doesn’t help matters that every time I’ve tried to reach out to someone/someones in the past few years, I’m either treated like a trespasser or met with complete and utter silence. I was already gun shy, and the constant rejections do not help matters any.

In other news, I still haven’t figured out what I would stream first. I have a few ideas, but nothing concrete yet. I was also thinking of making a regular video beforehand to kinda introduce the channel and whatnot. That might give me something to do this week.

One not so good thing. I got my yearly statement from the Assessor’s Office, and they’ve decided that, for whatever reason, the value of the house has gone up $14,000. That means that around November/December I am going to get slammed with both a higher payment and an escrow shortage. I have no idea how I’m going to deal with that one. At least I have some time to think on that one.

Besides all that, it’s been pretty uneventful the past few days. That’s not a bad thing though. I’ve thought about doing or playing this or that, but then I mostly just end up watching YouTube videos. Mostly speedruns lately, which is odd for me.

I think I’m actually going to play something in a little while, but I need to shove something in my tummy first. After that…we will see, I suppose.


Good And Bad News

So, I got a new med last week, and it was all sunshine at first. I think I mentioned that previously. But now, a week later, I think it’s already starting to be ineffective. I’ll probably have to call in yet again and have them up it. It won’t be long until I’m back in the same position again. I can’t wait.

I know I haven’t streamed yet, but I didn’t think about the fact that I would need a second account for some things. Well, I thought about it, but thought I could work around it for a few things. I was wrong. Blah. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world, but for a few things, I don’t have the money for that.

I do still have a few ideas though. Maybe I will get something running this week, even. We will see. They’re only ideas at the moment.

I’m trying not to let some things get to me like they have been recently, but I’m not having a ton of luck. Still pretty lonely, but I should be used to that by now. Also, my body, like all over, hasn’t felt great the past few days. I’m not sure what’s up with that. I don’t feel sick, just…like sore and off a little bit. It’s hard to explain but that’s close.

I think I’m going to go and test one of my ideas. Maybe I’ll get lucky for a change.


Seems About Right

Well, April is almost halfway through. I still haven’t heard from anyone besides my mom. I wasn’t really expecting to, but at least a text from one of the kids would have been nice. My one friend has been mostly silent for quite some time now, even before April. Kinda really sucks.

I’m just kinda moving on as I always do, which isn’t well. On the bright side, I’ve actually slept the past few nights, which is a start. Also, I got my YouTube account all set and ready for broadcasting if I feel the need. Not sure when I might start, maybe soon, maybe later.

I guess I don’t have a whole lot else right now. Just sad and lonely and felt like typing for a few minutes, I guess. Just the usual.



The last few days have been pretty bad. I’ve been beyond exhausted and spent most of the time in bed. Thankfully, I got some meds that actually work and I can sleep again. Now, I don’t know how long that might last, but I will take it as long as I can.

Now, in other news, I’ve been thinking about doing some streaming. I know it wasn’t exactly successful the last time, but I think I will be changing it up some. Not positive yet, but I’m definitely strongly considering it, if for no other reason than to give me something else to do once in a while.

I wouldn’t be watching chat or anything like that, which may bother some people, but I need to protect myself as much as possible. I’m going to think on it more.

Not much else exciting right now. Social Security recipients have to wait longer for the stimulus than regular taxpayers which really seems backwards to me. Nothing I can do about it of course but wait.

Being away from the computer for a few days put me behind in a couple spots, but I think I have everything ironed out for now. Time for some games now, and some happy thoughts that my new medication keeps working for a while.


Lost At Sea

I don’t know what it is about me that says ‘Go ahead and fuck with this guy.’ Maybe it’s because of my stupid brain. I have one friend left and he doesn’t seem to interested in actually speaking to me past one or two words a week. One of my kids was supposed to come over the other day. That didn’t happen and I never heard anything. Not a call. Not a text.

The local mental health services are a joke at best and actively work against you at worst. I have had to hire a lawyer to fight them before, and I may have to again.

I can’t sleep, and it doesn’t seem to be a big issue to them. Of course, they’re not the ones that almost died because of insomnia in December. They’re just fine, so I must be, too. I might as well just give up and let whatever happens happen, even if that is going over a week without sleep again and passing right through hallucinations and more-than-double vision and into brain damage and death.

I am beyond irritable. And today doesn’t help matters for reasons I will keep to myself for now. I can’t even watch YouTube videos because everyone is all ‘Don’t forget to like this.’ and ‘2,000 likes and the next video comes out tomorrow.’ I spent several years putting up videos and I don’t think I ever even got TWO likes. I know that more than half of them had no views at all, and this is YouTube we’re talking about. I also spent two years streaming to no one on Twitch. That wasn’t fun.

The dumb thing is, I occasionally think about streaming again. I don’t know why. If no one wanted to watch before, they’re not going to magically appear. I don’t particularly want to be a mega-star or anything like that, but…you know, I’d like SOMEONE to watch.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this, really. Cranky and needed to vent, I suppose. I think it’s time to go sit quietly for a bit and try not to cry too much. I’ll probably fail that one, too.