Categories
Life

Two Weeks Later

Yes, it’s been a couple weeks. Guess I’m stalling on most everything. On the bright side, I’ve been kinda busy the past week, so I haven’t been quite as annoyed at everything as usual.

I’m flat broke, but I get paid Wednesday, so the bills aren’t really in danger. I’ve been on the edge of financial disaster so long and I am really tired of it.

In gaming news, I was thinking about switching gears before I even started and maybe just doing a few regular videos instead of just starting out with streams. Not sure it would be better, but it might be less disappointing for me.

I don’t really have anything else, but I thought that I should probably update, since it’s been a while. Maybe more will come later in the week.

Categories
Life

Consider Me Unsurprised

So, I found out that I got lied to yet again. I’m not sure why this keeps happening. If you’re not going to do whatever, or don’t want to, just fucking say so. If you have no intention of doing what you offer, just keep your fucking mouth shut. This isn’t that hard, really.

But no, apparently it’s better to say you will and then just not? Honestly, I wasn’t really expecting anything, but still. If there’s one theme that’s followed me through my life it’s definitely broken promises. It seems like they’re everywhere, all the time, and the one who suffers for it is me, of course. I’m kinda tired of it.

In other news, I think I have narrowed down what I might stream first. I’m thinking maybe Fallout 4 or Minecraft, though that might be Bedrock instead of Java, which I don’t have much experience with. I also thought about getting a new Epic Games account and going with Dauntless, though I’m not super good at that. I may check out a couple other games and see if they would work. And I realized that probably all my games on GoG would probably be fine.

Categories
Life

It’s May Now.

Is that good or bad? I can’t even tell anymore. I assume it will be just one more month of loneliness. Still not hearing from the kids at all. I did actually get some game time in with my one friend, but that’s been almost a week ago, and he doesn’t seem to eager to do it again right now.

I wish I had more people to game with, but finding people is hard at the best of times, even for normal people. It doesn’t help matters that every time I’ve tried to reach out to someone/someones in the past few years, I’m either treated like a trespasser or met with complete and utter silence. I was already gun shy, and the constant rejections do not help matters any.

In other news, I still haven’t figured out what I would stream first. I have a few ideas, but nothing concrete yet. I was also thinking of making a regular video beforehand to kinda introduce the channel and whatnot. That might give me something to do this week.

One not so good thing. I got my yearly statement from the Assessor’s Office, and they’ve decided that, for whatever reason, the value of the house has gone up $14,000. That means that around November/December I am going to get slammed with both a higher payment and an escrow shortage. I have no idea how I’m going to deal with that one. At least I have some time to think on that one.

Besides all that, it’s been pretty uneventful the past few days. That’s not a bad thing though. I’ve thought about doing or playing this or that, but then I mostly just end up watching YouTube videos. Mostly speedruns lately, which is odd for me.

I think I’m actually going to play something in a little while, but I need to shove something in my tummy first. After that…we will see, I suppose.

Categories
Life

Good And Bad News

So, I got a new med last week, and it was all sunshine at first. I think I mentioned that previously. But now, a week later, I think it’s already starting to be ineffective. I’ll probably have to call in yet again and have them up it. It won’t be long until I’m back in the same position again. I can’t wait.

I know I haven’t streamed yet, but I didn’t think about the fact that I would need a second account for some things. Well, I thought about it, but thought I could work around it for a few things. I was wrong. Blah. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world, but for a few things, I don’t have the money for that.

I do still have a few ideas though. Maybe I will get something running this week, even. We will see. They’re only ideas at the moment.

I’m trying not to let some things get to me like they have been recently, but I’m not having a ton of luck. Still pretty lonely, but I should be used to that by now. Also, my body, like all over, hasn’t felt great the past few days. I’m not sure what’s up with that. I don’t feel sick, just…like sore and off a little bit. It’s hard to explain but that’s close.

I think I’m going to go and test one of my ideas. Maybe I’ll get lucky for a change.

Categories
Life

Seems About Right

Well, April is almost halfway through. I still haven’t heard from anyone besides my mom. I wasn’t really expecting to, but at least a text from one of the kids would have been nice. My one friend has been mostly silent for quite some time now, even before April. Kinda really sucks.

I’m just kinda moving on as I always do, which isn’t well. On the bright side, I’ve actually slept the past few nights, which is a start. Also, I got my YouTube account all set and ready for broadcasting if I feel the need. Not sure when I might start, maybe soon, maybe later.

I guess I don’t have a whole lot else right now. Just sad and lonely and felt like typing for a few minutes, I guess. Just the usual.

Categories
Life

Thoughts

The last few days have been pretty bad. I’ve been beyond exhausted and spent most of the time in bed. Thankfully, I got some meds that actually work and I can sleep again. Now, I don’t know how long that might last, but I will take it as long as I can.

Now, in other news, I’ve been thinking about doing some streaming. I know it wasn’t exactly successful the last time, but I think I will be changing it up some. Not positive yet, but I’m definitely strongly considering it, if for no other reason than to give me something else to do once in a while.

I wouldn’t be watching chat or anything like that, which may bother some people, but I need to protect myself as much as possible. I’m going to think on it more.

Not much else exciting right now. Social Security recipients have to wait longer for the stimulus than regular taxpayers which really seems backwards to me. Nothing I can do about it of course but wait.

Being away from the computer for a few days put me behind in a couple spots, but I think I have everything ironed out for now. Time for some games now, and some happy thoughts that my new medication keeps working for a while.

Categories
Life

Lost At Sea

I don’t know what it is about me that says ‘Go ahead and fuck with this guy.’ Maybe it’s because of my stupid brain. I have one friend left and he doesn’t seem to interested in actually speaking to me past one or two words a week. One of my kids was supposed to come over the other day. That didn’t happen and I never heard anything. Not a call. Not a text.

The local mental health services are a joke at best and actively work against you at worst. I have had to hire a lawyer to fight them before, and I may have to again.

I can’t sleep, and it doesn’t seem to be a big issue to them. Of course, they’re not the ones that almost died because of insomnia in December. They’re just fine, so I must be, too. I might as well just give up and let whatever happens happen, even if that is going over a week without sleep again and passing right through hallucinations and more-than-double vision and into brain damage and death.

I am beyond irritable. And today doesn’t help matters for reasons I will keep to myself for now. I can’t even watch YouTube videos because everyone is all ‘Don’t forget to like this.’ and ‘2,000 likes and the next video comes out tomorrow.’ I spent several years putting up videos and I don’t think I ever even got TWO likes. I know that more than half of them had no views at all, and this is YouTube we’re talking about. I also spent two years streaming to no one on Twitch. That wasn’t fun.

The dumb thing is, I occasionally think about streaming again. I don’t know why. If no one wanted to watch before, they’re not going to magically appear. I don’t particularly want to be a mega-star or anything like that, but…you know, I’d like SOMEONE to watch.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this, really. Cranky and needed to vent, I suppose. I think it’s time to go sit quietly for a bit and try not to cry too much. I’ll probably fail that one, too.

Categories
Life

Too Quiet

I’ve been too quiet. There’s been a couple times that I have wanted to post, but I was trying to figure out how to not sound like an ass at the same time.

I suppose that I’m not compelled to just plop out whatever happens across my brain is a good thing. In other times, I would have. And it’s not due to COVID-19 that I am doing this. I’m just…trying to clean things up. The house, the yard, my brain. Maybe ‘clean up’ isn’t the right wording. Straightening out? Maybe that’s better.

I know I’m pretty lonely these days. I’ve had a few people SAY that they wanted to get some gaming in with me, but that’s all it ever is: words. Empty words with no plan to actually follow through.

I’ve tried to reach out to others many times. I’m almost always met with dead silence. Occasionally, I get a smack on the hand, but usually it’s just nothing. I’ve stopped trying at this point. I even stopped checking Twitter and that used to be one of my favorite things to do. For that same reason I stopped making videos for YouTube and stopped streaming on Twitch. No one cared. Most of my YT videos never got watched at all, and this is YouTube we’re talking about. The most dumb and boring crap gets thousands of views, but I get nothing. I always streamed to an empty chat room. I got tired of it.

I guess when you’re broken, no one really wants to deal with it. Not even your wife. Well, ex now. I’ve been alone for seven years now and sometimes it still gets to me.

I guess for now I will go have some ice cream and then play something…alone, of course. Such is my lot in life.

Categories
Website

Beginnings

I’ve been waffling on this the past couple months or so. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go back to having a web presence. It’s different now, and maybe right now is a good time to restart this process since we’re mostly all stuck at home right now.

I’m shattered, in multiple ways including my name. I have no idea how long this may or may not last but I guess I will give it a bit of a go. I’m thinking there may be both text and video entries on here, though I’m not positive yet.

As for this site, I expect the look of it to change over time as I work on customization. I mean, it’s pretty damn generic right now, so a personal touch would be good.

So who am I? I’m Shattered. I’m a middle-aged guy who has been on disability for severe mental issues for about 10 years now. I am currently diagnosed with: major depression, avoidant personality disorder, major anxiety and panic issues, and and super ultra mega insomnia 5000.

I became an empty nester last year and my cat passed away last year as well. I am pretty much a shut in, but I sometimes have to go out to the mailbox and the occasional doctor’s appointment.

I will try and remember to update on a somewhat regular basis, but not having done this for a while and having problems updating regularly then, it might not happen.

That’s all I have right now. I suppose it’s not a great introduction, but I’m trying. We will see what happens from here together.