Lost At Sea

I don’t know what it is about me that says ‘Go ahead and fuck with this guy.’ Maybe it’s because of my stupid brain. I have one friend left and he doesn’t seem to interested in actually speaking to me past one or two words a week. One of my kids was supposed to come over the other day. That didn’t happen and I never heard anything. Not a call. Not a text.

The local mental health services are a joke at best and actively work against you at worst. I have had to hire a lawyer to fight them before, and I may have to again.

I can’t sleep, and it doesn’t seem to be a big issue to them. Of course, they’re not the ones that almost died because of insomnia in December. They’re just fine, so I must be, too. I might as well just give up and let whatever happens happen, even if that is going over a week without sleep again and passing right through hallucinations and more-than-double vision and into brain damage and death.

I am beyond irritable. And today doesn’t help matters for reasons I will keep to myself for now. I can’t even watch YouTube videos because everyone is all ‘Don’t forget to like this.’ and ‘2,000 likes and the next video comes out tomorrow.’ I spent several years putting up videos and I don’t think I ever even got TWO likes. I know that more than half of them had no views at all, and this is YouTube we’re talking about. I also spent two years streaming to no one on Twitch. That wasn’t fun.

The dumb thing is, I occasionally think about streaming again. I don’t know why. If no one wanted to watch before, they’re not going to magically appear. I don’t particularly want to be a mega-star or anything like that, but…you know, I’d like SOMEONE to watch.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this, really. Cranky and needed to vent, I suppose. I think it’s time to go sit quietly for a bit and try not to cry too much. I’ll probably fail that one, too.


Too Quiet

I’ve been too quiet. There’s been a couple times that I have wanted to post, but I was trying to figure out how to not sound like an ass at the same time.

I suppose that I’m not compelled to just plop out whatever happens across my brain is a good thing. In other times, I would have. And it’s not due to COVID-19 that I am doing this. I’m just…trying to clean things up. The house, the yard, my brain. Maybe ‘clean up’ isn’t the right wording. Straightening out? Maybe that’s better.

I know I’m pretty lonely these days. I’ve had a few people SAY that they wanted to get some gaming in with me, but that’s all it ever is: words. Empty words with no plan to actually follow through.

I’ve tried to reach out to others many times. I’m almost always met with dead silence. Occasionally, I get a smack on the hand, but usually it’s just nothing. I’ve stopped trying at this point. I even stopped checking Twitter and that used to be one of my favorite things to do. For that same reason I stopped making videos for YouTube and stopped streaming on Twitch. No one cared. Most of my YT videos never got watched at all, and this is YouTube we’re talking about. The most dumb and boring crap gets thousands of views, but I get nothing. I always streamed to an empty chat room. I got tired of it.

I guess when you’re broken, no one really wants to deal with it. Not even your wife. Well, ex now. I’ve been alone for seven years now and sometimes it still gets to me.

I guess for now I will go have some ice cream and then play something…alone, of course. Such is my lot in life.