A Bad Month

So, July isn’t going so well. I know it’s still kinda early in the month, but I don’t see any way for things to get better any time soon.

I’m already super broke for the month, and some bills are going to be coming up really soon. I have also recently found that most everything I have is worth…well, basically nothing, so I don’t really have anything to sell.

I’m really not sure what to do right now besides pushing myself to actually do the whole streaming thing. I mean, I know it was a massive failure last time, but I can’t find any other option right now.

I guess it’s time to start testing out my equipment and see how it holds up and all that. It’s mostly the same from before, but there are a few changes that have been made. If nothing else, it will give me something to do for a few days.

Honestly, I don’t really expect much to come of this, but I have to at least try. I really don’t want to fall super far behind on my bills. I may not have a choice in that, but if I don’t try I know things won’t get better.


Lost At Sea

I don’t know what it is about me that says ‘Go ahead and fuck with this guy.’ Maybe it’s because of my stupid brain. I have one friend left and he doesn’t seem to interested in actually speaking to me past one or two words a week. One of my kids was supposed to come over the other day. That didn’t happen and I never heard anything. Not a call. Not a text.

The local mental health services are a joke at best and actively work against you at worst. I have had to hire a lawyer to fight them before, and I may have to again.

I can’t sleep, and it doesn’t seem to be a big issue to them. Of course, they’re not the ones that almost died because of insomnia in December. They’re just fine, so I must be, too. I might as well just give up and let whatever happens happen, even if that is going over a week without sleep again and passing right through hallucinations and more-than-double vision and into brain damage and death.

I am beyond irritable. And today doesn’t help matters for reasons I will keep to myself for now. I can’t even watch YouTube videos because everyone is all ‘Don’t forget to like this.’ and ‘2,000 likes and the next video comes out tomorrow.’ I spent several years putting up videos and I don’t think I ever even got TWO likes. I know that more than half of them had no views at all, and this is YouTube we’re talking about. I also spent two years streaming to no one on Twitch. That wasn’t fun.

The dumb thing is, I occasionally think about streaming again. I don’t know why. If no one wanted to watch before, they’re not going to magically appear. I don’t particularly want to be a mega-star or anything like that, but…you know, I’d like SOMEONE to watch.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this, really. Cranky and needed to vent, I suppose. I think it’s time to go sit quietly for a bit and try not to cry too much. I’ll probably fail that one, too.